Monday, March 19, 2012

Why I Don't Trust Toasters

This is a long running joke. A joke of which I am the butt of. The story goes that, one day, I was looking through my memos on my phone so I could clear out all the mumbo jumbo. It was all normal stuff, "Gift ideas for bf: -boob noodles -bacon ice cream -pink sparkly dildo?", cute quotes I've found and a lot of important info like my pin number. But there was one memo I did not remember typing. It simply said, "Why i dont trust toasters."

There were a few things wrong with this:
1. I usually have very good grammar.
2. I didn't remember writing it.
3. I was worried that Past Me knew something about toasters Present Me did not.

I started to think about it, and I came to the realization that, I really didn't trust toasters. I've actually had a fairly turbulent relationship with toasters all my life! Past Me, you were probably sleep typing, but at least you didn't text our ex boyfriend. So, I thank you for bringing this to my attention. On the up and up, this is why I don't trust toasters:

As a lass, my family had an Oster Toaster (when I could finally read, I found this hilarious and said it constantly for a week). The hilarity ended on the day Oster burned my toast. I was stunned. Having set the dial to medium, I expected beautiful golden-brown toast.

I was wrong.

Oster betrayed me, and from that moment on, I was suspicious of all toasters. Continental breakfasts are a nerve racking experience for me, since I can't drink milk for cereal, I'm almost always forced to use the hotel's toaster. A few years back, we got rid of that deceitful son of a bitch Oster and bought a new, shiny, four-slot model. I was excited to renew my trust in the counter-top appliance. But, as you can imagine, I was terribly fooled. My waffles were underdone, my toast blackened and one side was always darker than the other.

To this day, I completely disregard all the fancy dials and buttons and instead constantly pop the toaster every 45 seconds to flip the toast/toaster pastry/waffle. Using this usually innocent appliance becomes a stressful experience. I constantly worry I'll burn my delicious breakfast and waste perfectly good food. I don't have a dog, so I usually try to push the no-longer-edible food onto my unsuspecting family. I tried to give it to my cat once. She just licked it for 10 minutes.

And that, everyone, is why I don't trust toasters.

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